EAGx? more like EAGex

you *can* make it through EAG without having to reinstall Hinge

This is a guest post from Max Alexander.

Each culture has its own relationship crucible, a seemingly insurmountable ordeal that if bested will ensure a long and flourishing relationship. For most people this is going to Ikea.

As members of the EA community we have strong (positive) ties to Sweden, and as such our relationships must overcome an entirely different kind of trial: going to an EA Global conference. I wish I could say that this novel realization of mine comes purely from first principles based introspection, but unfortunately I have experienced this relationship test first hand. Let me tell you, it sucks. But worry not, I’m here to make sure you, yes you, can make it through EAG without having to reinstall Hinge.

The TL;DR of everything I’m going to say is this: Talk to your partner!

You may have never been to a conference before, so knowing what problems will arise can be hard, but it will still be helpful to establish a baseline between the two of you.

It can be helpful to think about what in the past has been a problem for you in a relationship. Trying to navigate these situations on the fly is difficult, and EAG moves fast. If you can, maybe consider putting aside an hour before the conference and talk through and really think about what parts of yourself may be irritated by a conference setting:

• What kind of support will I need from my partner?

• How will I cope with noise, lots of meetings, imposter syndrome?

• Do I feel comfortable kissing in the same room as my favorite podcast host and that guy who wrote Harry Potter fanfiction?

My relationship was long-distance, and when we were in-person we spent a lot of time walking around together and holding hands. However, during the conference when we would walk to the conference venue I noticed my partner would pull away from me and not say anything. This is really distressing! It’s okay if you feel uncomfortable with certain romantic acts in a conference setting, that’s normal! But you should also tell your partner.

We all like to think we’re clever, after all they don’t let just anyone earn 28 karma on the forum, but your partner will likely notice if you start changing your behavior. It’s hard to hide these things. It can be taxing and stressful to talk about why you’re feeling uncomfortable, but it’s probably taxing and stressful for your loved one to wonder why your behavior has changed. It’s best to just talk it out, or at least give them a heads up.

It may also be good to develop some plans for certain situations. ‘If I feel stressed or anxious I will not go to any parties, even if I worry about missing out.’ Setting hard-ish lines for yourself, and pre-committing to what you’ll do if you encounter them can help in situations where you aren’t as able to make good decisions. I personally should have had a much lower bar for calling a friend to talk through my feelings.

I want to be someone who can always be there for their partner. Largely I think I accomplish this, but it’s certainly energy intensive! So it’s worth keeping in mind that EAG is often really stressful and your partner might not feel about to support you as easily as they normally do. I’m someone who almost never feels imposter syndrome, but being around so many amazing people I suddenly felt intense worry that I would never be able to contribute meaningfully to these problems I care deeply about. Your partner may be really stressed, even if they didn’t anticipate being stressed. I thought I would be fine, and then I had an existential crisis. This didn’t stop me from being supportive (I think), but it made it much harder, and in an unexpected way. Similarly, be aware of your own needs. If you can’t deal with something in the relationship it’s okay! Just communicate with your partner and take the time you need.

It’s also worth noting that when you are stressed, you do worse at making decisions. It seems likely to me on priors that the best time to talk with my partner about how they hurt me was not after a night of drinking. And yet in the moment I did not think of this. Neither of you should fault yourself for failing to be Expected Value maximizing gods. 

Now a lot of this post was pretty negative, ‘here’s how EA is going to explode your relationship’, but it’s certainly not all bad. It was really calming at times to have someone there for me. Having lunch with my girlfriend or knowing that if I couldn’t find dinner plans I’d have someone to hangout with was great. I genuinely am unsure if I’d have gone to my one-on-ones Sunday if I hadn’t had a friendly face greeting me when I woke up, even with the extra stress they were sometimes causing me. I imagine my experiences here were unusually bad, but going to a conference with someone you love is an exciting opportunity to support one another and grow closer. It’s also a great chance to nerd out about topics both of you care a lot about, make new friends, and then you can go get drunk at some after-parties.

To close it off, here are some recommendations you can try:

• The community health team is around during the conference, they want to help you!

• Your friends are great and do in fact care about you, they will/want to listen to you vent

• Talk with your partner about what historically is sensitive for the both of you

  • Plan around this 

    • If you feel awkward being romantic in public consider setting aside time for each other at the end of the day. 

    • You might want to go to a party after the conference, but if your partner doesn’t they’ll certainly appreciate you picking them over dancing

• Talk about what to do if things go really badly for you

  • Eg: If I feel bad anxiety for 3+ hours we’ll go watch a movie together in our room

• Do nice things for your partner 

  • If they like chocolate sneak some hershey kisses into their bag and then text them randomly to reveal your ploy

• Remember that it’s okay to know why something is happening and still feel bad

  • Maybe your partner wants to avoid you during the conference (and they may have really good reasons!), it’s okay if you feel sad as a result of this

• Maybe debrief with each other at the end of the day

  • What stressed you out? Have you suddenly developed imposter syndrome? Best talk you went to? What’s something really cool you learned? Best or worst one-on-one?

• Maybe you need a mediator or a different form of communication from normal

  • It can be difficult to express your needs or feelings, so having a friend relay them or sending a long text message may help overcome these barriers

• There are a lot of EA forum posts you’ve been meaning to read, you can take a break or distract yourself by catching up on them